Michelle and her Chicken

Having a relationship in the Big Brother house is not entirely the best course of action, least of all when you're a woman. Michelle is not only seriously involved with one of the male housemates, she has now apparently had sex with her 'Chicken'  Stuart. If past performance is anything to go by, then Michelle has just thrown away what slim chance she had of winning BB5.


The Past week in the house

The departure of Ahmed - with 56% of the public vote, was quite a surprise to me. I was certainly not shocked to see the public give Ahmed the boot, but for him to get such a large chunk of the 1.69 million votes was really odd. Despite the fact that Ahmed had annoyed many viewers with his general attitude, he was still up against one of the infamous fight night villains - Victor. So, it was indeed a surprise when the conspiring Jungle Cat outlasted this interesting 'older' housemate. The one consolation is that Victor did manage to get almost a third of the total votes. As expected, Dan, Shell, and Stuart were of no relevance to the vote. Nadia got fewer votes than I had expected, although in retrospect Nadia is starting to pick up a public following lately - most comments I read about her are of a distinctly positive nature.

Week 7 eviction night, total votes: 1.69million

Ahmed : 56%
Victor : 29%
Stuart : 5.4%
Nadia: 4.8%
Shell: 3.7%
Dan: 1.4%

A farewell to Ahmed

Farewell to Ahmania

Ahmed is a great case to note for BB history. Despite being booed when he left the house, Ahmed seemingly took it all in the best of spirits. He had his 'night with davina', something which he had been longing for since week'1. Ahmed may well have offended some of his peer group with his behaviour, but he now appears one of the housemates who seems most well balanced about the nature of the show. Ahmed seems to sincerely believe it is all a 'pantomime', and in many ways BB should be classified as exactly that.

His regular verbal attacks against his prime adversary Marco was great for entertainment in the early weeks of the show. The plate smashing, the beheading of plaster cast 'Maureen', and various minor destruction of house property was all great viewing material. 

Applicants for BB6 who are above the 'grand age' of 30 should take inspiration from Ahmed. If Ahmed - who was a very restrained and remote member of the group can make it until week 7, then there is great hope that a future BB winner will be somewhat older than the classic 23-27 winner stereotype that now appears to have become the norm.


The Price Fund

Once again, BB threw another little task at the housemates on Saturday- with the main aim to further reduce the prize fund. The icky fish task was indeed sickly, yet is exactly the sort of thing which the housemates deserve. With the loss of £15,000 last Saturday, the prize fund is now at £56,500 - a fair amount lower than the £75,000 which last year's winner Cameron Stout attained.

What was most surprising about the task event was not that Michelle refused to drink the glass of fish juices (understandable considering she is a vegetarian), but that money grabbing Shell was the housemate who literally took away the glass of goo, and threw it onto the lawn. It seems clear that Shell is seriously annoyed with BB, and is very much resigned to the fact that the prize will keep on reducing until the last week.

As things are though, I remain highly suspicious of the overall situation. I believe it is almost inevitable that C4 will offer the housemates- in the final Saturday task (in 11 days time) to win back almost all of the money they have steadily lost over the weeks. In many ways this would be quite lame, and would be yet another turnaround for 'evil BB'.  After all, what is the point of seeing the prizez fund fall over the series, if only to be topped up at the end to 100k ?


Shell - concerned at yet another task failure

Michelle and her Chicken

The wedding task has lead to what has been some of the most fascinating viewing yet. With Stuart declining to be groom, Michelle was really pissed at her beloved - more so than ever before. Stuart drew a line in the relationship at this point, he was not going to be involved in some fake BB wedding with him and Michelle all dressed up as newly weds. How would it look to the outside world, him and Michelle tying the knot? Clearly, he did not like the idea of this, and was resolute about declining Michelle's request.

Michelle left the situation, sulked for a while alone, and bitched to Shell about how inconsiderate her chicken is about her. Later, when Stuart did get around to talking with her, Michelle turned really quite nasty to him, and totally dismissed Stuart's point of view. Is Michelle really that self centred ? Most viewers are now well aware of Stuart's general naivety - the guy comes across as quite childlike at times, yet the most visible aspect of the couple is now Michelle's really bossy attitude. The question is whether there is any hope for the 'couple', the good thing is that anything is possible in this world, so if they both want things to work out...there is always the possibility of a happy ending.

Love under the Table

It appears to have finally happened in the early house of Tuesday morning, Michelle has seized her chicken. Of all the places it could have happened, it was done under the party table that BB had laid on for the evening. Perhaps next year BB will have the sense to stick minicam's built into the underside of the tables. With a few added cushions and other bits, Missy managed to almost entirely attain complete privacy from BB's eyes - which in itself is surely a violation of house rules. Further, both her and Stuart took off their mic's -much to BB's objection, and then the couple soon got down to some sort of 'love action'.

Now, the question of course is what exactly happened? The only two people that do know for sure are the couple themselves of course, so whatever is stated in the press...nothing can be truly ascertained. In any case, what ever did happen the fact is that many people are already jumping up and down in outrage about how Michelle has 'let her family down' or that she should be 'ashamed of herself' - and other such anti-sex nonsense. UK culture remains seriously fucked up (pun intended) about sex. If they did have full sex last night, then good for them I say, so long as they weren't idiots and failed to use condoms. Yet, from everything we know, neither of them have any - except Jason, and it seems unlikely either of them would have asked him !

So did the happy couple have unsafe sex on UK TV ? Michelle may well be taking the contraceptive pill, but that is not the point, is it? Hmm, perhaps it sounds bad, but surely they realise the importance of this basic issue, or are they really that dumb?


Michelle preparing to marry the Chicken ?

The day after the night before, Michelle failed to keep to her promise to Stuart that she would not talk about what happened that night to anyone. However, it was only a short time before she was soon telling Shell about the events, in a very weak form of code...

Shell asked Michelle if her immune system was 'boosted this morning',  Michelle "...yes, it is...."
Shell asked Michelle if she had taken the 'Echinacea' supplements herself or whether someone had given them to her.
Michelle replied "Someone else may have given them to me!"

Shell "...did he use a tool to give it to you or did he use his hands..."
Michelle "...a tool,"

I will end on this note. Whatever happened last night is frankly no one's business but Michelle and Stuarts. For any of the religious or other repressed people to start getting upset over this couple - who may have screwed themselves senseless (albeit quietly), is sadly indicative of a pathetically repressed slice of UK culture.


Housemate Assessments

Ψ Dan : His claim a few weeks ago that if he reached the final week he would walk, is clearly a lie. Dan is a desperado just like all of the other housemates. What ever his latest fake act might be termed, he is one desperate game player. The whole 'ohh, I'm just here for the experience' crap is tiresome. Does he really think the viewers believe these sort of clichéd lies ? Dan has a really strong agenda in the house, and although he has played the game well, it is indeed time he got the boot. After all, he has mostly sat back in the group - like Shell, and has tried his best not to offend anyone for fear of being nominated.

Despite being nominated 4 times in week'8, Dan will make it to week'9, but he has no chance of winning BB5.


Dan: desperate to reach the final night

Ψ Jason : The sly Jungle cat is now finally up for the public vote. After surviving some 7 weeks, and somehow managing to evade being up for the public vote, Jason is now public target No'1.

Farewell dear Jason.... and enjoy your reception this Friday - it will be historic.

Ψ Michelle : Some have called her a 'bunny boiler', some think she is now a slapper for having on screen sexual relations with her chicken. What ever you may think of her, Michelle will now reach day 64, which is a very respectable achievement considering her once close association with Emma and Marco.

Her clingy and bossy attitude towards Stuart is now a real negative trait for her. If she keeps this up for another week, the public could well turn right against her - with a corresponding 'pitiful' feeling for Stuart.

Michelle looks like she has ruined her chances of winning BB5, oh well, maybe she can try out for Pop Idol 3' ?


Michelle: Despairing about her chance of winning BB5

Ψ Nadia : Dear Nadia has done great, although being up for her third eviction she is clearly under the pressure. Nadia is understandably wondering what she is doing wrong in the house.

Many viewers are now calling for a Nadia win. Yet how can Nadia win, with someone like Stuart in the house. We all know who the teenie texters will support, and it will be the 'one with the eyes'.

Ψ Shell : With the prize fund now much lower, Shell is doubtless really quite pissed off with the situation. Since week'1, she has been the most desperate to win the money. Shell seeks money, not the fame/notoriety that most housemates will often be seeking to gain.

As I noted at week'1, Shell will reach the final night - for the very fact that she is indeed so dull. The great thing though is that like Steph from BB4, the public hold no real interest in Shell, and Shell will receive no more than 2-5% of the total votes on final night. The irony is that Ms. money desperate will leave the house with nothing.

Ψ Stuart : Now dominated by his in-house girlfriend, Stuart is remarkable. Yet to receive a single nomination from anyone, he is the beloved housemate of the group. He has not offended anyone so far - barring Michelle occasionally ;) The guy just seems to be loving every day in the house, its all 'wicked' or 'awesome'. What ever happened to Tiagra ?

Stuart to win BB5 - things are looking great for him.

Ψ Victor : The Slick, aka the Milkman, has done great, and remains the funniest person in the diary room - his clips will make up a superb audio collection when i eventually get around to it !

Despite all his best efforts, it does not look likely that V.I.C will make it until the final night. In many ways, it would be a shame for Victor to leave at this late stage and still get a massive crowd booing - although that in itself would be very funny to watch. Victor's time is almost up.

Nominations: wk 8'

Dan:    Victor & Shell
Jason:   Nadia & Dan
Michelle:   Jason & Dan
Nadia:  Jason & Victor
Shell:  Jason & Victor
Stuart:  Dan & Nadia
Victor:  Dan & Nadia

Dan'4, Jason'3, Nadia'3', Victor 3' - 4 up for the boot.

The votes for Jason and Victor were as expected, more surprising are the 4 votes for Dan. All 3 other guys voted against their male rival Dan, and similarly, these 3 guys also voted against Nadia. Interesting.

Yet again, Stuart failed to get a single vote. He will now reach week 9 without anyone casting a single vote against him. If Stuart doesn't win BB5, it will be somewhat surprising from that aspect.

Who will get booted week 8 ?

With Dan and Nadia as non-votes again, this weeks eviction is a direct face off between the two cats Jason and Victor. The overwhelming push will be for Jason to get the boot. One reason is that there is 8 weeks of pent up voting demand against Jason, and this needs to be released. The votes will be piling in for Jason this week, and he will surely get the boot. Victor may well click up another 25-30%, not that it will matter.

Jason: Public Enemy No'1

Group Dynamics

Let us take a quick overview of the remaining 7 housemates.

Group 1: 'the children': ----
Group 2: 'middle people':, Dan, Michelle, Nadia, Shell, Stuart,  - aka, the 'get-along gang'
Group 3: 'the cats' :  Jason, Victor

With the loss of Ahmed, the Cats look even more alone than ever before. As Victor calls them, the 'Get-along gang' are easily the dominant group of the house. The whole group has really been getting along remarkable well lately. A few minor spats, but generally everything is quite civil. Considering the state things were in at fight night time, the housemates - despite their broad group split, are relatively polite to each other.

Shell has continued to play her placating game, agreeing with everything that the other housemates say. So far it has worked almost perfectly, she's still only picked up two nominations this series.

It looks as though both Cats will fail to reach the final night - although it depends on how C4 decide to boot the 5'th from last housemate. If there is a double eviction, it would look more likely for Victor to get booted.


Week 8, but still 7 people left !

Looking ahead

Jason looks likely to be booted this Friday evening. The loss of what is arguably one of BB's best ever game players will be a big loss to the group - although many millions of viewers will doubtless enjoy the fierce crowd reception that will greet Jason when he leaves. It will be interesting to see how Jason deals with the wrath of the baying mobs, will he give them any attitude back ? To be expected, C4 will conduct the interview indoors - with a row of armed guards to prevent the mob from ripping Jason's limbs off ;)

Michelle and Stuart will continue to be fascinating to watch. Will Michelle's incessant domineering attitude towards her chicken cause Stuart to tell her to 'BACK OFF !' ? As things are, Stuart appears in a different social league compared to Michelle - things do not look particularly hopeful for them, but then again... you never know.
The much touted double eviction (a real, not fake one) has yet to appear this series. By this Saturday, there will be just one standard voting week left, but with still 6 housemates living in the house, C4 are going to have to fit in one extra eviction at some point before the final night. 

Anyway, whatever might happen during the rest of this series, BB5 has been superb. Enjoy the show.


Calrissian : Waiting to be Nominated.


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Originally Published © 2004 Philip Calrissian
Last Updated : 21/07/04