Spring is coming, and that can mean only one thing for some people - Big Brother will soon be auditioning for housemates for the fifth series of the leading reality tv show. With Auditions this year taking place as late as mid-march, the rumours seem to suggest that BB5 will start in late June, perhaps even early July.  


Q. What sort of individual would even consider applying for Big Brother ?

Clinically insane ? Desperate for fame ? Or just plain weird ?

Now despite my initials, I've never been one for 'PC'ness. Yet we are in an age of political correctness, and this should give us a clue as to the range and type of people BB will be signing up this spring. If you're a fan of 'Southpark' then you'll get the point I'm going to make easily, otherwise...  never mind.  The issue is about Tokenism.

Tokenism is now a part of most television shows. If for instance you have to recruit 4 presenters, one of them will almost always be from the 'ethnic minorities', and of those 4, 2 will probably be women. Doesn't much matter if any of them are any good at what they do, so long as they meet the 'quota' for certain groups that the producers wish to meet.


If these dull four can make it into the BB house
then you certainly can !


Let us take a look at the broad types of housemates we seem to get each year.

1. The 'Clown' one. Take BB3's Johnny Regan for instance. Along with his primary house partner Kate, Johnny was the stereotypical clown of the house. Like most clowns however, he also went through his sad face routine -whilst on the poor side of the infamous and somewhat annoying plastic tube divide. I'm not saying having a house clown is a bad thing, but a clown 24/7 for 64 days ? Err, no thanks.

2. The 'fat' one. Perhaps I should say 'overweight' ? There always seems to be one 'fat' housemate. Why the producers seem intent on doing this year after year is beyond me. Although statistically, some 25% of the UK people are now obese, so maybe there should be 3 or 4 token 'fat' ones ?

3. The 'camp' one. With 12 housemates, statistically speaking you're going to get 1 gay person. BB5 will surely see a really 'out' overt individual that will make even Graham Norton look uptight.

4. The 'intelligent' one. Someone who is generally more quiet than the other housemates. Someone who actually has a few neurons that still fire now and again in their brain. Someone that has actually read a book AFTER their pre-16 schooling.

5. The 'common' one. From the ghetto. Think of 'bubble' from BB2, or 'Goldie' from Celeb BB'2. You know the sort, someone who never really went to school, someone who has the audacity to sneer on people that read books and on those that don't get pissed at the pub every Friday night.

6. The 'uptight' one. Think 'dean' from BB2, or Cameron Stout from BB4. Someone who seems like they can never really 'let go' and enjoy the moment'. As Cam' would say "drink... its not good, and its not clever". 

7. The 'wallpaper/mute' one. The classic 'Scott' of BB4 typifies this. The housemate that blends into the wallpaper within minutes of entering the house. They never say anything of any note for their entire stay. Almost mouselike in nature.

8. The 'angry' one. Think of rude boy 'ray shah'. Gets angry over even the smallest things - usually male.

9. The 'ethnic' one. Someone who is pretty bland, yet is there primarily to meet the quota, and not make BB seem like a 'whites only' reality TV show. Just think of 'southpark's 'token'.

10. The 'make-up/Ibiza' one. There is always one woman on BB whose entire day consist of nothing more than messing around with make-up, or talking about her summers in Ibiza or Aya Napa. Just think 'tania'.

11. The 'cook' one. The housemate that seems to have but one function in life. Think Gos. Remember what Gaetano said, something along the lines of 'hey, they even have their own cook in their house'. lol. Remember, the cook never wins !

12. The 'gossip' one. Usually female, someone that spends their waking day bitching and back stabbing people.


One benefit of open auditions, is that anyone who does attend will get to see the type of people that are applying to be in the house this summer. Even C4 seem to have realised that the video element of the application process in past years has lead to many people simply not applying. With the new 'turn up and say hello' policy, the diversity of person applying will surely increase to some extent. 


BB: Opening the doors for you ?


How to get through the BB door

So there you are, its a sleepy Sunday morning in London's docklands and you are looking at the hundreds of other wannabes all obediently lined up across the forecourt at the Excel complex. You are wondering, 'do I be myself, or be someone more dramatic?'. Around you on the tarmac are all sorts of freaks, dressed in everything from nothing more than a short skirt/crop top, to someone dressed as teletubbie. You feel so way out of your depth. After all, why the hell would the 'screeners' as I shall call them, choose to invite you inside, over all the dancing/singing wannabes that presently surround you ?

You know, in my view perhaps the best strategy would be to play it cool. Just be you. Instead of hyping yourself up into a 'oh my god, I sooooooo would do anything to get into the house', why not just say 'good morning' to the screener, smile, and then wait for the first question. After all, in a queue of desperados it will be the quiet ones that do stand out - and 'standing out' from the regular wannabes' is what is going to get you noticed.

I suppose we should be somewhat positive though, in that some 'good' people have managed to make it over the last four years - tickle, perhaps being the most notable. If Jon Tickle can make it pass the screeners, the psychiatric evaluations, the endless chats with producers....then surely you can too ?


Never Forget what happened to Tickle -BB4 : D29


For those of you attending one of the audition days, I'd like to remind you of a couple of things.

Series 4' Day 29 : The booting of Tickle - at ALL costs. C4/Endemol clearly wanted the Tickle out of the show. The way the evening highlights were edited - including the Friday evening (Day'29), were extremely twisted and misrepresented Jon Tickle. Even if you didn't like Tickle, you must surely agree that the producers wanted him out, in favour of keeping in their beloved 'chosen one' Cameron. They knew that a double eviction would lead to a split vote - which would harm Tickle more than anyone else.

Series 3 : The Psychologist incident. Remember in BB3, Jade Goody visits the BB psychologist one evening for over an hour. She leaves the diary room in tears, and then launches into a 'I love you all' mood. The producers cleverly manipulated Jade into an entirely new mood, by having her see the resident Psy. guy (mr myagi - sp?). Anyway, the point is that manipulation of housemates using all means is what BB does - do you really want to be part of this ? Would you be able to look beyond the moment, and see what is really going on in the house ?

Series 1 : 'Nasty nick' The treatment of Nick Bateman upon leaving the house was shocking. The newspapers kept at him for weeks, making his life hell. Any person entering the house could end becoming a national figure of hate - even if they are genuinely 'nice'. After all, Nick was just playing the game his way - on what is a bloody game show ! Most will remember what happened to him when he left.


So, when you consider some of the behaviours/manipulations that the producers will use against the housemates, and the way the press treat ex-housemates, do you still really want to be a part of the show ? I guess most of you will still attend anyway, and I don't blame you - despite its flaws, BB is still an amazing show.


BB5 winner - Female, that much is certain.


"... and the winner of BB5 is..........."

Who will win this fifth series of Big Brother ? What sort of person are the producers looking for ? For Channel Four's  flagship programme, what type of personality are they seeking to promote their station ?

First things first. The winner of BB5 will NOT be a man. Katie Lawler remains the only women to have won out of the four series, so we can sure as hell expect that the producers will be screaming for a female winner this year. Like it or not, the fact remains that of the four series, with 3 male winners, the producers will be seeking to get the ratio to 2:3. 

Last year I read in one forum posting something along the lines of this....

BB1 winner : token 'ordinary' white English male
BB2 winner : token Irish gay male  
BB3 winner : token straight English female.
BB4 winner : token straight-laced virginal religious male from a distant Scottish island community.

Calrissian prediction...

BB5 winner : Female, ethnic background -Asian (Indian sub-continent), age 25-27, sexually straight, semi-intelligent. More likely than not, she will be single. Probably from southern England. Looks wise, she will be 5'7"-5'9", with very long dark hair, very much the elegant lady of the 21'st century.

What do you think of this (admittedly) arrogant prediction ? First question is, do you agree with me that the BB5 winner will be almost certainly female ? Surely the producers will not allow another guy to win ? So, if you male and are going to the auditions, you may well make it into the Big Brother house, but you can forget about any chance of winning. I've read a number of times over the last year that a 'black' person will 'have to' win BB sooner or later. I agree, but if anyone from the 'ethnic minorities' is going to win, I suspect it will be via the Indian community. Just one of my weird hunches.  



Audition Central : Will you dare turn up ?


Perhaps I will see you then, Sunday March 14'th at the Excel complex in London's Docklands. I'll be the one who isn't dancing, singing, or jumping around like a maniac. Instead, I'll be standing out almost as much as a G-type Star next to a black hole.

I do hope some of you at least get asked inside for the initial stage. If you're female, 25-27, Asian descent, reasonably elegant and intelligent, then the queue 'screeners' (I guarantee) will invite you inside.


             Calrissian : 'Open the door, damn you !'

Links :  Audition dates 

Return to 

Contact me

2003 Philip Calrissian
Last Updated : 25/03/04